We are the living dead

I think Tilly and the Wall is making me miss the city pictured above. Teri made me a wonderful mix CD that I've listening to non-stop and on it Tilly's song "Night of the Living Dead." It makes me miss my early 20's (I know, I'm 25, but I can say that now), the heartbreak-induced reckless debauchery and the friends who were there to see me at my ugliest. God, it was ugly.

It's been almost a month since I braved American fucking Airlines. I remember eating McDonalds cross-legged on the floor of Chicago O'Hare waiting for my flight to Tokyo. It was a Filet-O-Fish meal. Looking out on to the runways I asked myself what the hell I am I doing? Why am I leaving the city I'm in love with, co-workers I'm in love with, friends I'm in love with? I don't even like Hong Kong. I don't even like MacDonalds, I mean, ethically.

But it was too late to turn around. Teri and Jacques gave me good luck mix CDs. Yvonne and Chelle made me DVDs. Numerous people bought me bye bye lunches/dinners/drinks and oh yeah, I already quit my job. I couldn't turn back, at least not before I touched the ground of Hong Kong.

So now here I am, a month into work, moved in and settled down. New friends made, new foods tasted and new bands heard. I'm satisfied, most of the time, but never without missing something from back home. But today, riding the city bus back from playing with dolphins, I wondered despite missing Toronto so much, if I could actually go back now. No, not now.

I have this immense fear that people expect me to change. Be wiser, smarter and know things that travelling and working and learning to rely on me alone should know. More than what other people would think if I just came home now, I would be dissapointed with myself. I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to find or learn or know after a few months of being in Asia. I just know I haven't found, learned or know it yet.

I wonder if all those people who never come back home really actually fell in love with a new home or if they just never found what they were looking for.

Comments

[teri]

i'm so glad you liked the cd! and that song. it's definitely one of my favourites. it makes me all nostalgic for last fall...

[James Mirtle]

Sounds like what I feel like being in Toronto.